I am me, like me, love me, hate me. It doesn’t matter. I would much rather be me than live a lie. Happiness comes from simply being yourself.
Going through childhood, I was always a bit different, I never truly did fit in, but I was totally ok with that, in fact I was very happy, why the hell would I want to be the same as anybody else. It was when I started to come into my teens and you crazily have to pick what group you want to be associated with that the trouble started for me, I now had to fit in and be somebody I was not.
That was where all of the problems later in my life started, I lived a lie and I was not me, I dropped out of school because I undervalued myself, and I slaved the next 10 years of my life in dead end jobs because I thought I was not worthy of anything more. I hid from anyone who really knew me, I mean people who knew the real Paul Kilroy, and I sabotaged all of my relationships with those people because I did not want the majority of people to know who that person was. I thought that I had to carry out being the person that I had chosen to be from an early age and I thought I would have to carry that persona to my grave, that’s what made me depressed.
Through school, work, and my social communities I always tried to fit in, the real world hasn’t got time for anyone who is different. I acted as everybody else did because that’s how you fit in with a crowd. But that wasn’t me, that wasn’t me being me and expressing who I really was, I always wanted to be different but I was also always afraid to be who I really was because it’s not socially normal to be yourself. On the inside I really wanted to change, I knew there was more to me, but, my god what would people think of the person I would become if I was to change. Looking back, I can see how it all started for me, Anxiety and then Depression, had I made not cared what anyone thought of me and always done what I wanted to do I would have never had any issues.
I hadn’t done anything I was proud of for months or even years because I was not truly living my own life. I had built up a persona so others would accept me, and I had spent my whole life trying to fit in. I stupidly cared about what other people would think of me and I was too afraid to step outside the circle of normality and become somebody who was different from the rest. I had become the same as everybody else, I was institutionalised. Instead of being me I accepted that it would be easier to fit in and that’s where the problems started. I did not like who I had become and I never gave myself a chance to find out who I really was or just what I was capable of because I was afraid of being humiliated in my social circles if I tried anything different. I was so worried about what other people would think of me that it held me back from making improvements in my own life.
After some time I became so held back about what people thought of me that it began to prevent me from doing anything at all and more importantly it was preventing me from being the person who I am now so proud to be. That’s where Anxiety started for me, simply worrying about what everybody thought of me, I became so crippled by the opinions of others that I began to think that I was completely worthless and that’s when depression started to knock on my door. Oh boy do I remember those early days of depression quite well, not being able to lift my feet to even walk when I was at work, head down, talking to myself, telling myself how worthless I was and deep down inside knowing I was more than what I was, but because I feared the opinions of others, I just could not become it. Those were hard days and they are days I will never forget. To think now that I could have avoided those days is baffling, all I had to do was work up the courage to be who I wanted to be and not care about whether my friends would accept it or not.
Fortunately I became so mentally unstable, and I say fortunately because it had to happen that way for me, I hit rock bottom and there wasn’t any options left for me other than to let my guard down and give up trying to upkeep the persona of who everyone thought I was. At what anyone would consider the lowest part of your life was the turning point of mine, I did not care about myself any longer and was simply ready to give up. Luckily when I let my guard down it took all of the weight off my shoulders and I was actually able to be who I wanted to be. I had an insight into what life would be like if I was myself and from that day forward that is exactly what I became, ME. How simple it all sounds now is frightening, and I see this pattern that forms for almost everybody who suffers with either anxiety or depression, people simply want to be themselves but fear what others might think of them if they become themselves.
Let me now reiterate how far I have came since those dark days of Depression to encourage you to be who you are and do what you want to do.
I simply decided to find out who I was and to be that character in front of the the real world, like it, hate it, love it, whatever anyone would think of me I didn’t care. I became totally free and found out so much about myself. I started to see things differently and began to create a crazy advantage over most people who had not spent the time to find out who really they are. I realised that most people try to fit in and I could now see how crazy it was to actually try and do so. People live their whole lives for other people, I was now living my own one and what a life was I living. Total freedom, free of the concern of others, the judgment, the persona that I was desperately trying to upkeep. I started educating myself again and now only on things that interested me, I started now doing things that were only of my interest and I have had some amazing experiences because of it. I beat Depression and Anxiety and more importantly I know how and why it all started for me, quite simply as long as I do not live a lie again, I will live and extremely happy life doing only the things that I wish to do.
The message here is to ask yourself if there is something more to you, if there is something in you that you have not yet brought out for the world to see and if there is, then let it out, let it shine from you and don’t worry about what people will think of you for being that person. What your current life is right now and the way you might be feeling is not the way your life always has to be, it is just the way it is right now, you have ever power inside you to change it and you must do it for you. Good friends will support you and follow you and bad ones will stay behind where they belong, either way you can become you and live a your life on your terms.
Strive to be happy, be yourself.